BLOG #27
Introduction:
Below is a substack piece by my daughter, Jane, who is a sales executive with Cisco. You can read more of her blogs by subscribing for free to her substack at: Subscribe here
Because a major theme of this site is “mastering the process of mastery” which includes “self-mastery”, this blog by Jane is a great fit.
As you read this think of the profound quote:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” (attributed to) Viktor E. Frankl
Jane has been working on improving her “space” in which she is pivoting from victim to victor. Every great - leader, parent, coach, mentor - needs to do the same. Achieve equanimity in all situations to be the most effective.
Think of the opening hope in Kipling’s poem “IF”:
“If you can keep your head when all about you…Are losing theirs and blaming it on you”
Coach Jane has some practice advice for your journey to black belt+ for equanimity.
By Jane Merrifield (2-13-26)
You can’t control your first thought, but you can control your second thought
Picture this: I’m heading for the TSA PreCheck lane that I’ve used countless times, only to be stopped by the agent and told my boarding pass doesn’t have PreCheck on it. Aghast, I found myself standing in the regular security line at the airport: fuming! I was surrounded by people who suddenly seemed to have seventeen bags each while moving at a snail’s pace. I had to take my shoes off, unpack my laptop, and stand in the full body scanner.
My First Thought: “I can’t believe I’m stuck in this line with clueless people. I’m pissed. I should not be subjected to this! I’m a frequent flier!”
Then, I caught myself. I realized I was being self-righteous. It was actually my own fault. I had forgotten to update my new Known Traveler ID on this specific airline.
My Second Thought: “This is a humbling experience. I’m not any better than these people just because I usually have PreCheck and they don’t. What a gift it is to even have access to air travel in the first place. I’m not going to miss my flight and I don’t need to be rude to the TSA agents: they’re just doing their jobs.”
For years, I used to feel guilty for those First Thoughts. I would let them sit with me for far too long, festering in negativity or anxiety. I thought I was a petty person because I defaulted to negativity or a scarcity mindset.
One day about six years ago, I heard someone say this and it changed how I thought about the world: You can’t control your first thought, but you can control your second thought.
We Are Humans
Our brains are not necessarily designed to make us happy or productive in the modern world. They are designed to keep us alive.
From an evolutionary standpoint, judgment, comparison, and scarcity were essential for survival. We had to judge our surroundings for threats. We had to compare our resources to others to ensure our own safety. We had to be hyper-aware of what we lacked to avoid starving.
When you have a negative first thought, that isn’t a character flaw. It’s your lizard brain doing its job. You will never be able to fully delete that initial survival response. But you can make a conscious effort to reframe it.
I’m constantly on a quest to shorten the time between my first thought and my second thought.
It is a muscle. And like any muscle, it requires consistent reps to get stronger. Even after living by this philosophy for several years, sometimes it still takes me several days to reframe a setback and find the second thought. Other times, I can catch it and pivot within seconds. The more I shorten that gap, the happier and more productive I am. It helps me maintain healthy relationships and stay grounded in what matters.
The Cost of the Gap
The length of that gap matters. If it takes me three days to get to the second thought, that is three days of lost productivity. It is three days of me lacking focus on what matters. It is three days of being stuck in the past instead of building the future. Shortening the gap isn’t just about feeling better. It is a competitive advantage.
The Power of the Pivot
The second thought is where your power lies. It’s where you move from being a victim of your circumstances to being the victor.
Here are some examples of how to reframe those automatic first thoughts into productive second thoughts:
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The Circumstance: A difficult interaction with a peer.
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The First Thought: “They are so difficult to work with. I can’t believe I’m stuck on this project with them.”
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The Second Thought: “This is a masterclass in communication. How can I adapt my style to be more effective with high friction personalities? What is this person teaching me about my own triggers?”
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The Circumstance: A personal or professional rejection.
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The First Thought: “I’m not good enough. I’ll never get to where I want to be.”
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The Second Thought: “Rejection is often redirection. This wasn’t the right fit for me right now. What can I learn from this to make my next attempt undeniable?”
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The Circumstance: Seeing someone else’s highlight reel on social media.
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The First Thought: “It’s so unfair they get to do this and I don’t.”
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The Second Thought: “Comparison is the thief of joy. Their win doesn’t mean my loss. Instead of feeling behind, I’m going to use their success as proof of what’s possible and get back to work in my own lane.”
Give the Power Back to Yourself
When you adopt the Second Thought, you take ownership of the part you played in the outcome, even if that part is simply how you choose to perceive it. You give the power back to yourself. You decide that while you can’t control the happening, you can control the handling.
It is so much easier to blame people, circumstances, or bad luck. But when you blame something outside of yourself, you give away your power. You are saying, “I can only be happy or successful if the world behaves exactly how I want it to.”
Don’t give the power to your circumstances. Give it to yourself.
This Week’s Challenge
Next time you feel that string of judgment, comparison, or “why me,” don’t beat yourself up. Acknowledge it. Acknowledge that your brain is just trying to protect you. Then, ask yourself: “Now, what is my second thought?”
Intentionally reframe the discomfort as a growth opportunity. Choose gratitude for what you have over resentment for what you don’t. Get curious instead of being closed minded.
I’d encourage you to try this and tell a couple of people in your life that you are working on this. We can all help each other identify our second thoughts. When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change, and we can continue to evolve. |